I just realized I haven't posted once in the month of August. This is my half-assed attempt to remedy that.
Lately, I've had a lot of trouble shutting my brain up. It's always a problem, but for the last few days, it's impossible. My mind is going a mile a minute, jumping from one thing to the next, and I'm unable to concentrate on the task at hand, which of course, is the book.
Of course, Restless Mind Syndrome is not new to me. In my early twenties, I wrote a poem that included this line:
"Even in the center of the bustling crowd, the screams in my head remain ever loud."
Right now those screams are pretty much blocking out everything else.
I used to go for a run when things got this bad. The fatigue seemed to have a calming effect. But at the moment I'm unable to do any sort of exercise that demands that much physically. A glass of wine helps, but frankly, I have to drink more than a glass to get the desired effect.
So I turn to you, gentle reader, for advice on how to turn off those voices. What do you do when you're having trouble concentrating? A hot bath? A shot of whiskey? A run on the treadmill? Tell me what works for you.
Today Kelli Stanley posted on Facebook she'd reached "The End" of her second Miranda Corbie book, "City of Spiders." The next step, she said, was a week of revisions.
A week? I've been revising for over a year off and on (honestly, more on than off). Clearly I'm doing something wrong.
So the coming week will be me, my manuscript, and copious amounts of coffee (and probably a little wine) to see if I can get through this second revision by the end of the week.
Observation #2:
This one is related to the first. When I was a runner, I had a trick to help make distances seem shorter (or go faster). I'd pick a point in the distance and run as fast as I could until I got to it. Always, about half-way there, I'd ask myself "Can I quit yet?" Then I'd ask myself "Are you there yet?" The answer, of course, was always no, so I had to keep on running as fast as I could til I got to the designated spot.
It occurred to me today I can use this trick for completing my manuscript. I ask myself numerous times during the day "Can I quit yet?" and then I ask myself "Are you there yet?" You guessed it, the answer is no. I can't quit til this is done (or I collapse in an exhausted heap).
"It sure seems like the majority of people in the
world think they can write a book. And not only write a book, but write
it as well as a published author. And not only just as well as a
published author, but just as well as bestselling published authors who
are among the elite in terms of building an audience and having their
work catch on with readers. There are lots of people out there who
think it's easy, think they could do it, and all but a handful are
wrong."
It was part of a longer post about writers having difficulty figuring out if their writing is good or not, which you can read here.
The truth is, I'm not sure if I can write a book worthy of publishing. If I do get published, I'm not sure if Diary of Bedlam will be the book that succeeds or whether it will it become one of those awful novels authors talk about that sit in their desk drawers as a reminder of their early failures. Of course I dream it will be a huge success–I fantasize about winning an Edgar and which actors will play my main characters. Then I set aside the fantasy and get down to work, because dreams will only get you so far.
I know the odds are tough and I know I have a lot to learn about the writing craft. But I admit to having blinders on, because if I stopped to worry too long about whether I can write a book that's good enough (and lucky enough) to get published, I'd give up. If I didn't think I could do it eventually, I wouldn't have even started.
And frankly, I'm not fit to do anything else. It's either this or being a barista at Starbucks, or a greeter at Wal-mart (not that I'm dissing any form of gainful employment since I have not been employed, gainfully or not, in ten years).
If I sound desperate, I am. But it is what I'd call controlled desperation. I know I want to write a novel. I know I want to have it published. I am driven by these wants, but drive is not enough. For me, some amount of desperation is necessary to motivate me to move forward. Sure it would be nice to move before the desperation stage, but hell, the only thing that really matters to me is that I'm moving.
When Diary of Bedlam is polished and ready to submit, I'll go back to work on it's sequel, the first draft of which is about 1/3 finished, called Diary of Deceit. But maybe for good measure I should change to working title to Diary of Desperation.
I think a lot about success, and I also think about failure. But since thoughts of failure come more naturally to me than those of success, I'm careful to shut away those niggling "maybe I can't do it" feelings as soon as they rise up. If it turns out I'm wrong and I can't do it, I'll deal with that later. After all, there's a Starbuck's on every corner, and I hear they're hiring (although in this economy, maybe not).
In the meantime, I'll leave you with this video of Howard Jones performing "Things Will Only Get Better" with Ringo Starr and Sheila E.:
The lyrics in verse two seem applicable to writing: "A lonely path, an uphill climb, success or failure will not alter it."
I just finished the last book in the Sunny Randall series by Robert B. Parker. I can't help feeling a sort of sadness about it. Mr. Parker died at age 77 on January 18, 2010, leaving behind a several series and several well-loved characters, including Spenser, Jesse Stone, and of course, Sunny Randall.
I've said before I came late to the Robert B. Parker party, having only picked up my first Spenser novel, The Godwulf Manuscript, after he passed away. I enjoyed it enough to read more, but it wasn't until I began recovering from knee surgery last month that I got around to it and read all of the Sunny Randall books plus a Jesse Stone novel all in the four weeks since.
Having finished all of the Sunny Randall series, I can't help feeling that Sunny, like her creator, was not quite ready to quit. I'll have to complete her story in my own mind, knowing she must've finally achieved the sense of peace with herself she worked so hard at. And, of course, caught a heap more bad guys.
There are still plenty more Robert B. Parker books for me to read, having not even scratched the surface of the Spenser series. But I'll miss Sunny, and hope she's doing well.
The one thing I've been told over and over again since having my ACL surgery is "You can't fall." Doing so would mean the delightful new ACL they installed might fail, and as my surgeon told me, "I've never had a fail, and I don't want you to be the first." Thanks, dude. Way to put the pressure on.
I've pretty much lived my whole life trying to avoid falling, and have been largely successful (the ski accident that caused the ACL tear in the first place notwithstanding). But there's something about being told you absolutely cannot do something that makes the possibility that it will happen seem so much more likely.
So these days, most of my time is spent making sure I don't fall.
Of course, I only mention this because I wanted to post this video of Colin Farrell (my boyfriend) and Jeff Bridges (my sugar daddy) performing this great song from the movie CRAZY HEART:
But what about my writing, you ask? I've been a busy bee! Somewhere in the midst of my revision I realized I'd lost control of my plot so I took a few days to write up summaries of each chapter so I'd have a quick reference as I go forward. In retrospect I should have done that earlier in the revision process but luckily, falling down while writing a manuscript is a lot less risky than when you've just had surgery, as long as you pick yourself up and keep going.
The summaries are basic. At the top of each page I put the date, time, and location of the scene, then followed up with a brief description of what happens. I ended them by including who is introduced in each chapter and who is referenced (not actually in the scene, but mentioned by another character). I'm hoping this will make it easier to keep track of who is mentioned where since I kept finding myself putting notes in my documents that said "Check when this character is introduced" or some such thing.
As part of my rehab, I’ve been prescribed a CPM (continuous passive motion) machine. I have to use it at least 3 hours a day, usually for an hour at a time. I alternate that with an hour spent in an ice cuff to help with any swelling and inflammation caused by the CPM.
Here’s a look at how it works:
As you can see the excitement never ends here at Casa West! But though I’m being sarcastic, I’m actually much happier now than I was last week. I am back to work, which thankfully I can do with my laptop lying on the couch, and being able to sleep without the brace and walk without crutches makes me feel free as a bird after what I experienced those first ten days post-op.
There is a long road of recovery ahead, one which I have already begun limping down slowly, but with increasing speed every day. And though I have come out on the other side of this ordeal relatively unscathed, I cannot emphasize this strongly enough: Be kind to your ACLs. It is your friend.
I’ll leave you with this video of how I feel about my own poor ACL:
If I thought I was going to get a lot of writing done while I was recovering from surgery, boy, I was really wrong. I just don’t have the mental energy. But what I have been doing a lot of is reading. I’m on post-op day 7 and have read three books since the surgery (I generally average a book a week if I’m lucky). All of them were on the iPad, which surprises even me.
Lately a few people have asked me how I liked reading a book on the iPad and I didn’t have much of an answer for them since I’ve only really read paper books since I got it. But the surgery forced me to limit the amount of junk I carried from the bedroom to the couch every day and I’ve found that the iPad is the gadget I’ve used the most during this time. It functions as my laptop, my iPhone (not for calls, of course, but for various apps), my iPod, and my Kindle. Though the only one it really takes the place of entirely is the Kindle, there is no other device I own that is as versatile, and therefore, ideal for this recovery period.
Not to gush, but what can I say? It’s been great.
But what about reading? Originally, I hesitated to start any books on it because of its weight. It is heavier than the Kindle and therefore not as comfy to read. Now that I’ve actually read a few books on it, I can honestly say the weight is not an issue at all.
The other concern I had was the back lit screen. Seemed like it would be uncomfortable to focus on for so long. Apparently, however, my eyes have become used to reading on a computer screen because this hasn’t been a problem. And the user interface on the iPad is just so much better than my first generation Kindle.
I still love reading paper books more than any of them, but for ease of use and portability of lots of books, the iPad is hard to beat as far as I’m concerned. I never thought I’d say that! I’ve loved my Kindle and I really thought the iPad couldn’t replace it. Alas, I think it has.
Incidentally, the books this week are Think Twice by Lisa Scottoline, and Perish Twice, and Shrink Rap, both by Robert B. Parker. Both are in the Sunny Randall series, and I’ve just started another, Melancholy Baby. All of these have been the perfect “I’m recovering from surgery” books to read–nothing to heavy, fast-paced and entertaining.
When I found out I had to have ACL reconstruction surgery, of course I googled it, looking for people who had the same surgery. I found a few blogs about it, but I quickly found that reading them raised my anxiety level. Still, it was good to have a little information in advance from people who had been where I was going, so I’m going to pay it forward by writing about what happened to me. This promises to be a long, boring post, but hopefully it will help someone like me who wants to know exactly what happens when you have ACL surgery.
The surgical center I went to was Kerlan-Jobe in Los Angeles and my doctor is Dr. Daniel Kharrazi. So far, I’ve been really pleased with the treatment I’ve received from Kerlan-Jobe, Dr. Kharrazi, and especially the staff at Kerlan-Jobe.
Mick and I spent a couple of hours painting our fireplace over the Memorial Day weekend and gave it a whole new look.
Here's how it looked before:
The floating shelf cut the fireplace in the middle and just looked out of place.
Here's what it looks like now:
The view from the other side:
Without the shelf, there's nothing to interrupt the flow from floor to ceiling. It's much more dramatic, and I think, more in keeping with the design of the room.
Eventually, all of the walls in the living room will be light colored. At that point, I may decide to paint the fireplace a contrasting color. For now, I'm just glad to have one paint project out of the way.